Edward Elric's Secret
by shinespire
Summary: Summary in the title. Funny - i hope - little one shot.


ok, new story :D there's gonna be a proper author's note at the bottom, so that's info bout my other stories and this one. hope you like :)

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Colonel Mustang was bored. So bored, in fact, that sorting the office supplies in order of quantity, expense, and frequency used had become the major highlight of the day. The advantage of this practice rather than the more usual pastimes of window washing, chair-tilting, or plain old daydream-staring was that it necessitated being out in the office with the rest of the officers, where Hawkeye's disapproval could be spread equally, rather than back in the office, withering under that eagle glare alone.

So it could definitely be said that the abrupt and unscheduled return of the Fullmetal Alchemist, back from a supposedly risk-free mission to locate and detain a missing State Alchemist, certainly sped up the pace of things.

Fullmetal burst through the doors hard enough to tear them off their hinges and made a bee-line for where Mustang sat at Falman's desk, in a wild-eyed state of fury and panic that none of those there gathered had ever been privileged (or unfortunate) enough to witness.

"LOOK WHAT THAT BASTARD DID TO ME," the teenager shrieked, very nearly right in the Colonel's ear. It was sometime before proper hearing, not just an incessant ringing noise, returned, but somehow Mustang doubted that the missed rant had been anything important. It never was, not when the young alchemist was in this mood.

"Slow down a moment, Fullmetal," Mustang dived in when Fullmetal at last stopped for breath. "First of all, where is Al?" If there was anyone who could calm down Fullmetal in a raging fury, it was a seven-foot suit of alchemically-animated armour, and it was a job that Mustang would be only too glad to delegate.

"Dealing with the paperwork. Don't change the _subject,"_Fullmetal snarled. Mustang's eyebrows went up; it was rare that Fullmetal could not be distracted by the topic of Al whose condition was, after all, the primary driving force in their quest for the Stone.

"Second of all, who exactly is that bastard, and I'm assuming that you are not in fact, referring to me, and what exactly am I supposed to be looking at?"

"Look at _this_!" Fullmetal shouted, and in a flurry of violent movements, yanked off the trademark red coat and tossed it away. The startlement of the onlookers was only matched and increased when the black shirt followed the coat. "And you tell me!"

There was a moment of silence as everyone in the office eyed Fullmetal's smooth, streamlined, and muscle-packed chest and abdomen.

"Are we supposed to be seeing something here?" Breda asked Havoc.

"Looks about right to me" Havoc observed.

"Oh ha, ha, very funny, DON'T YOU ALL HAVE SOMETHING BETTER TO DO THAN SIT AND STARE?" Fullmetal snarled at them, whipping around in a nut fury.

Looking at the gold eyes shooting flames and forked tongue slithering around frothing lips, the cream of Amestris's military force suddenly decided that they did, in fact, have better things to be doing. Only Havoc held firm, shooting back a "Well, chief, if you don't like people staring, why'd you take off your shirt?"

"Would you rather I took off my PANTS to demonstrate?"

Hawkeye coughed politely, interjecting a well-needed dose of military discipline back into the room. "Fullmetal, I really must insist that you remain in uniform. Or at least," and amber eyes glanced coolly from the black leather pants to the red coat and shirt now strewn messily across the floor, "no further out of uniform."

"Really, First Lieutenant, must you be such a spoilsport?" Mustang drawled softly, which had the unfortunate effect of drawing Fullmetal's attention back around front.

"YOU!" A metal hand stabbed across the desk, nearly poking Mustang in the eye, as Fullmetal slammed the flesh palm onto the Colonel's blotter. "You KNEW this would happen, didn't you? You knew when you sent me out after that perverted freak, that he could do this to me!"

"And what, _exactly,_did I know he could do to you?" Mustang asked in exasperation. Past experience indicated that if not interrupted, Fullmetal could rant on for _hours._

"He _transmuted_me! The bastard! He got the drop on me! One moment I'm about to kick his pasty ass into next week, and the next moment I'm a guh…" Fullmetal turned beet red, and stuttered for a moment. "A g-guh…"

"A gigalo?" Breda offered helpfully. This help was rewarded by a look like a swift punch to the gut.

"He turned me into a GUY!"

Silence reigned.

For the first time since Fullmetal had entered the room, Mustang set down the pen and leaned forward intently. "Fullmetal… did you get hit on the head?" It was a realistic concern; Last time Fullmetal had ended up in the hospital with a concussion, Al had to answer to the name "Darla" for three days.

"NO, I did not get hit in the head! I mean yes! Yes I got a few knocks on the head as is usual on these crap missions you send me on, Colonel Bastard, but that has nothing to do with it! I'm telling you, he turned me into a GUY! A male! Look at this!" Fullmetal punctuated this statement with a ringing slap to one distinctly flat pectoral, which seemed to echo hollowly in the fascinated office.

"Uh...chief? Haven't you always been...you know... a guy?"

Fullmetal made a strangled sound. A look of horror and embarrassment flitted briefly across the alchemists face. The occupants of the office all opened their mouth to ask questions, even the usually unflappable Hawkeye. The teen responded with a look that could stop a charging rhino and the military personnel shut their mouths obediently.

Mustang stood up, curious at his youngest subordinates' queer actions. Although, the colonel reflected, he shouldn't really be that surprised at any behaviour exhibited by the teen; it was never what outside society could consider "the norm".

"Edward explain yourself!" but Mustang was talking to a red clad back as Fullmetal stormed into the older alchemists personal office. The colonel followed at a more sedate pace, answering the confused looks of his other subordinates.

As the door swung shut behind the pair, the remaining amount stood in silence trying to discern what was going on behind the barrier. Unfortunately, after the incident a few months back, when Fullmetal had screamed so loudly at Mustang for docking his research allowance that the whole of HQ had complained, the Flame Alchemist had soundproofed the door – very effectively. As it was, only a few muffled "what's and "listen to me's could penetrate the thick alchemic blockade.

After 15 minutes of the same, Fullmetal bashed the door down with an auto mail left leg and exited the office, screaming for Alphonse to "get his butt down here, 'cuz we are LEAVING!"

A few seconds later Mustang followed the irate alchemist, looking tired and haggard. The others, made room for him, Fallman even pulling out a chair for his superior to sit down. The alchemist buried his head in his hands.

"This will make so much paper work."

The bravest of them, Hawkeye, gently asked "Sir?" a subtle way of reminding Mustang that there were, in fact, other people in the world.

Mustang lifted his eye line, revealing bloodshot whites, and contracted pupils. "It turns out that Edward's name is not Edward. But Ediyah"

"Heh heh, with all due respect, Sir, but I think he _did _get hit in the head. Ediyah's a girl's name"

"Yes I know... It seems that instead of a big brother, Alphonse has a big" and here he paused. "Sister"

With that, the colonel's head went crashing back down onto the desk.

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Ediyah is a Hebrew name meaning Decoration of God. There's lots of different spellings for it but that's my sister's way of spelling. And it should kind of roll of the tongue if that makes any sense on pronunciation.

So, how was that? As always, comments and constructive criticisms are always appreciated :D So yeah, for this story, I'm gonna do 25 secrets of Edward Elric; though at the moment i have bout 10 so if you wanna suggest any then that would be great! I'm planning on doing on one a week, but that isn't set or anything.

And bout my other story. Well i can say that Rebound effectively failed :( I'm really sorry bout that, but the good news. i have had a complete re-think bout it and i have revised it drastically. Hopefully my writing will have improved as well, becasue reading back on it, it wasn't exactly good. But anyway, I'm gonna write all of it before i post it so that i can keep on track with posting and stuff and then i wont disappoint any one with long time between updates and short chapters.

So yeah, hope to hear from you

shinespire xx

Criticism


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